Ambivalent

I am going to do my 8 week update in tomorrow because I have my doctor’s appt then and I’m hoping to spot the husib in an ultrasound, if the doctor does one. But lately, I’ve been thinking more deeply about what this pregnancy means for my life. I think the initial euphoria and giddiness has worn off a little and I’m faced with more heavier feelings. I sometimes still forget that I’m pregnant and I know thats okay because it is still very early. But I am also very very afraid. This isn’t nervousness, or anxiety ,but real fear! For 27 years, I’ve only had myself to take care of but now suddenly I will have to take care of someone else, which is like taking on a whole new identity. I know J and I and husib are lucky compared to some- husib will be coming into a two parent house, J and I both have steady careers that are on a upward swing, we have supportive parents and friends that are super excited for us, but what if that’s not enough? for the husib? or me?

I know, it makes me a bad mother to be so ambivalent about motherhood, but I think its honest. I am starting to feel huge waves of fear about what the future holds. I recently read a Memoir titled Rattled about Christine Coppa who became a single mom at 26, only a year younger than me and it chronicled how scared she was to do it alone. But the crazy thing is , I feel more alone than she did. She moved in with her family, her brothers were single and became intimately involved in her life and she became a curiosity and an anomaly to her friends. As for me I feel more alone, because I’m expected to be perfect, I’m not a single mom, I should be good at this, I should be super happy, have no fears, no ambivalence. I feel like I’m going to suffocate under all this pressure. I think my parents will be as supportive as they can be but really when you are married,you can’t move in with the parents, its up to J and I , we are a seperate unit after all. I can’t believe I’m this upset with growing up.

I feel like because I’m 27 and married and planned this child, I’m not supposed to have the same regrets and fears that a 20 something single mom would have. I deeply mourn my crazy, hedonistic life that I shared with J. we were married, and had no plan, except to just hang out and have a good time; we partied hard on Friday and Saturday nights, had wicked hangovers in the mornings, went to brunch with our friends for hare of the dogs, went to concerts in dimly lit, smoky bars, spent ridiculous amounts of money to stock our bar and my closet and just like that that life is gone and I’m expected to not mourn, because, I knew the baby was coming, because J and I planned to give it all up and have a baby. I wish it were that simple.

I love the husib, more than I can explain. I have no ambivalence about that at all, but I’m terrified of everything else.